For the past 6 years May 1st has been a day of reflection for me. This day 6 years ago is what may have been one of my littles birthday. I had the privilege of carrying this sweet little one in my womb for 13 weeks, I even got to see his or her sweet little heartbeat through ultrasound. This baby never got to be born into our family the way we thought, but this baby is a part of our family's story.
We had no clue going in for a routine appointment that anything was wrong, but so fast our world had changed. As quickly as the tears of heartache came at the news, the peace of the Lord washed over me. We had recently moved away from all of our family, but through God's provision we had found a church that became our "family" nearby. There was such a mix of emotions I was going through. I was heartbroken yet peaceful. I was confused, I was only 23 and had a healthy, no complications pregnancy with my son, who at the time was 18 months. I wasn't sure how to grieve, I had never been through anything like that before, but at the same time I knew I had so much to grateful for. I was up and down the first few days.
During that time my world was rocked in a different way as well. I got to know God in an even more real way. I was very fortunate growing up, I have always had a family that loves and supports me, never really had to go through any true hardships, I had a very protected life. I am so thankful for that! But though this loss God showed me who he is. I was comforted in a way that truly comforted, my body was protected from pain though his grace, and he spoke to me a word that a year from that time I would have a baby to hold (which I did!).
And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
I learned so much! I experienced the fulfillment of some of God's promises that are found in his word. I learned that it's not through my strength that there is healing and peace, but that the true peace came at the moment I had nothing to give but my broken heart. I learned that the children I would be blessed with are not mine and not here for me, but they are his and here to do his will. What a gift to be able to be part of his plan in such a big way! I also learned that it's okay to grieve. We live in a fallen world and hard things happen. I learned a how to be compassionate on a whole new level. I learned how to be more vulnerable with my story. I learned that a lot more women than I had thought had gone though the things I did. I learned how we as the body of Christ can be a support to those in need, since that is what other's did for me.
These past 6 years have had their share of good times and trials. I have since been gifted with 3 more boys to parent and another little one that I won't meet until Heaven. I have delved into God's word and have been blown away by his goodness. I have grown so much and also messed up a lot, but through it all the Lord has been there for me, to lead me in his ways.
My heart has been healed. I take moments to grieve and praise God for all of this. As much as I wish these 2 little ones could be here with me, I want God's will in my life to be done, so I have moved forward to allow him to work in me. I have been so blessed and do love this life I get to live!
I know that there are so many women that have gone through this and have had a different experience (or even the same) for you all I pray. I would love to hear your story and pray for you, no matter where in the process of healing you are! Please feel free to leave a comment or email me. I love you all!